RAW Recap: April 23, 2012

Last week in the WWE Universe: John Cena gets his ass kicked, Brock Lesnar cuts a promo, Chris Jericho is still a dick, Smackdown got very European with Antonio Cesaro and Sheamus still isn’t interesting. With one week left till Lesnar squashes Cena what can RAW bring us to get us excited for Extreme Rules? Will Jericho see the error of his ways and buy CM Punk a hemp shake? Will Cesaro get more camera time? Will Johnny Ace (Laurinaitis) make Teddy Long clean his car? Will the contract signing be as pointless as they always are? Lets find out:

Why is Teddy Long still around?

So we open with what should have been the ending of the show, the contract signing. Teddy introduces Cena and gets his total title wins wrong. It’s hard for most people because for a while he won the WWE Title every seven minutes it felt like. Cena tries to act scared as Lesnar is introduced. Johnny Ace comes out instead and says that Lesnar isn’t in the building yet, and that Long is an idiot. He then demands Long to tell him to leave the ring. Why? The hell if I know.

Then out of nowhere Edge comes out…yeah. It’s cool to see him come out and get a big pop from the crowd even if it is to fill in time.

He says that in a couple of days he’s no longer be on a WWE contract, but he needed to talk to Cena, but not the fake Cena th one who was his biggest rival (right next to neck injuries and Lita’s Vagina). He tries to get Cena’s head in the game cause he can’t lose to Lesnar (haven’t heard that in a month). After his rant he just kind of leaves…thanks Edge…I guess.

Turn on your little bright jackets

After a break we get our first match of the night: Chris Jericho vs. Kofi Kingston. The match is ok as Jericho get’s over as a heel by slowing the match down using power moves.

During the match Cole and King talk about the storyline between Jericho and Punk and this feud has defiantly run its course. It started with the best in the world angle and now has just turned into a mess of drugs and cell phone footage.

The match finishes when Kingston tries for a cross body but Jericho turns it into a Code-break and then uses the Walls of Jericho to get the win. The match was pretty good all around.

After the match Jericho grabs the mic and says that he’s going to be the new WWE champion. He then recaps the storyline he also says that he bought Punk a gift that he’s going to give to him later. What’s the gift? It’s booze cause that’s the point of this story now.

Why did we make it three hours?

After the match they throw to the first of many video packages featuring Brock Lesnar. This one shows his debut in the WWE. It’s funny to see Jeff Hardy in the WWE, he was so young and not drunk back then.

Is there something coming from this?

After another commercial, we get a promo from backstage. Ace offers EVE a job as lead goon/whore. This storyline will more than likely end in a trip to human resources for harassment.

After that they kill even more time by showing the Lesnar taped from last week for the first time during the show.

After that he get an interview with Punk. Punk shows the gift that Jericho gave him. Its a liquor basket, get it, cause his father is a alcoholic. He then gives the gift pack aside from one bottle to Josh Matthews. Hmmmm (he says in a loud dumb voice) will that come out later in the show?

After that? Commercial.

The TRUTH is that he’s going to get his ass kicked

Following the break we see a video package presented by some new scary looking Doritos/Taco Bell thing. The video shows Tensai kicking Cena’s ass.

After the break we get another Tensai match. His jobber this week is R-Truth. Before the match we see a taped promo were A-Train (Tensai) just shouts in Japanese for 45 seconds.

The match goes as expected as Tensai just kicks the crap out of Truth and wins in about three minutes due to that claw thing he does.

Before the break, we find out that Kane is going to send a message to Randy Orton…great, cause this show hasn’t had any promo’s already.

I’m still confused on the whole two masks thing

After the break we get the aforementioned promo of Kane. He says that Extreme Rules is his favourite PPV cause WWE goes to the extreme! He goes on about beating up Bob Orton and other stuff.

This Kane is boring to me, at least when he was balled and didn’t wear a mask he was funny in a pathetic kind of way.

Orton then appears on the Titantron and says he’s repaying Kane for beating up his father. We see that behind him that Paul Bearer makes a cameo and is tired up to a chair. Orton then pulls page out of the Young and the Restless and throws him in a meat freezer. Kane doesn’t give a sh*t and tries to walk away, but Orton comes out and they brawl around the ring. Orton hits Kane with a pipe but Kane shrugs it off and runs away. This was something that should have been on Smackdown, still it was cool to see Bearer even if it was for a few seconds.

The sage continues

After the break, we see Alex O’Reily, talking to Jericho, which is surprising cause he hasn’t been on TV, and he says that he saw Punk drinking. He and Jericho go over and watch Punk talk on the phone and drink something out of a red solo cup (which because it’s red means he’s drinking beer like frat boys at a kegger).

Shhhhhhh Del Reo is on

After the drinking segment we get our second match of the night; Alberto Del Rio/Cody Rhodes vs. The Big Show and a “very injured” Great Khali, they say it’s due to the events of Smackdown but that’s crap. Also we find out a rematch between Big Show and Rhodes will happen at Extreme Rules.

The match is as boring as it sounds and not even Del Rio and Rodriguez could save this match. The match ends when Del Rio pimps away from the match and Show his the chokeslam to win it. Who cares?

After the match we hear that a half hour before the PPV there will be a pre-show featuring a US Title match between Santino and The Miz on YouTube. This one seems kind of weird but could easily be something that they could continue to do. It’s a bit like the UFC prelim fights on Facebook.

No one cares

So after the break, we get a promo with Johnny Ace, EVE, Jericho and Long talking back stage. Jericho says that Punk should lose the belt because he was “drinking.” Ace says that they cant’ do that, but EVE pulls a rule out of her gabbing hole of a vagina saying that a WWE champ can’t drink within 12 hours of a match or something. I’m sorry this must of happened after the Stone Cold era, cause that was his shtick.

Jericho suggests that Punk goes throw a sobriety test in the ring, but instead of Ace doing it, Long would order it. And because Long has to pay for his grandkids heart surgery or college or whatever he has to do it. (Is there a pension plan for the WWE execs?)

After that we see that Lesnar has finally entered the building. After an attempted interview by Matthews Lesnar throws him near the interview set, and we cut to another commercial. Once again the WWE RAW is jammed packed with action, and by action I mean promos.

After the break we see that Matthews is being put out on a Stretcher, for no reason, this even makes the crowd laugh. He didn’t even take a bump he just kind of fell into a curtain and they gave him a neck brace.

Oh Look a Diva’s Title Match

Shortly after that debacle we see a match between one of the Bella Twins (I wasn’t paying attention) and the champion Beth Phoenix. Before the match, EVE comes out and makes fun of the Diva’s division and turns the match into a lumber Jill match. During the introduction of Diva’s I was surprised about how many woman are on the roster that don’t do anything.

During the match Lawler does his whole horn dog thing, but it hits me just how creepy that is. He almost sounds like a rapist.

During the match Beth Phoenix gets out of the ring and falls on her leg and it more or less looks like a legit issue, if it’s not it’s a strange way to end the match. They get into the ring and Nikki Bella wins the match with a roll up ending the almost yearlong reign of Phoenix.

After the match we see Long and Punk in the back, Punk acts drunk and they cut to commercial.

This is just stupid

So after the break, we get to see this happen. So Long calls out Punk but Jericho comes out and says he wants to make sure that Long doesn’t screw it up.

Punk comes out and does his best impression of a drunk person, and it’s pretty painful. Like I said before this whole storyline is stupid and it makes me feel uncomfortable, this isn’t wrestling it’s more like Campus P.D.

The thing that really bothers me about this segment is that there could be a wrestling match happening here, but instead we get to see Punk make wobbling around and cracking jokes. I think Lawler said it best “I can’t believe this is happening.” Of course he was in Kayfabe, but I knew what he meant.

The police say he’s drunk and Punk has to give up the belt. Before Long could give the belt to Jericho Punk asks for one more chance. Guess what happens? He does the tests perfectly. It’s that cleaver? No it isn’t.

Punk beats up Jericho and he runs into the back and Punk is still the champion. Looking at the clock we see that there still is a full hour and out of the two hours we’ve had three matches and about a hour and twenty minutes of promo’s. Great.

Before the break we see another taped promo of Lesnar’s past career. This time we see a rarity. It’s rare not because Lesnar beats Hulk Hogan, but because Hogan doesn’t blade during the match. Now anytime he’s in the ring he gets’s kicks in the face once and he gigs like he’s trying to cut cardboard.

More Smackdown stuff

So following that waste of time, we get even more time wasting. This time it’s a match between Sheamus vs. Mark Henry. However the one thing that saves this match is the inclusion of Daniel Bryan as the special guest referee. Bryan tries to provoke Sheamus to hit him and get him fired. The distraction allows Henry to clothesline him and get a fast count. Bryan takes off his zebra stripes and Sheamus goes after him. Bryan with the help of Henry gets Sheamus in the Yeslock and it’s clear that the crowd will be behind Bryan at Extreme Rules.

Holy Crap! The Tag Team Champions?!

So after last weeks pathetic lose against Big Show and Khali, the writers thought it could be a good idea to have that the champions on TV more than once a month. This week their opponents are Zack Ryder and the US Champion Santino. Lawler continues to acts creepy by asking Cole if Primo and Epico’s manager Rosa would sleep with him (#Rapist).

The match is ’t long as the finish comes when Santino despite being distracted by Epico hits the Cobra on Primo (or the other way around, who cares) and gets the victory.

Meanwhile back at the meat freezer Kane passes and pulls Bearer out just to put him back in. Paul gets a pop and a few high-pitched lines in before the segment ends.

After that, the guy who pops up every now and again talks to Epico and Primo. He mentions the fact that their entrance was during a commercial break and that they weren’t featured on Wrestlemania. So the writers bring this up just to f*ck with us “It’s a storyline.” He gives them his card.

This Doritos taco thing looks like a really bad idea.

After yet another break, another match starts up; this match is however presented by the Taco Bell/Doritos thing. This match is almost as bad as the indigestion that the taco will more than likely give you.

The match is: Brodus Clay/Hornswaggle vs. Swagger and Dolph “I deserve better than this” Ziggler. I guess this is their storyline for these guys now, as Ziggler and Swagger get to get their asses kicked by Clay. I hope it ends with Ziggler leaving Vikki and Swagger and striking out on his own.

This match is basically a commercial for Taco Bell as we see Lawler drinking out of a Taco Bell cup; unsurprisingly no one is eating there tacos.

The match ends with Vikki slapping Clay. Clay’s dancers look like they’re gonna chock a bitch but Vikki backtracks by trying to dance and Hornswaggle bits her on the ass…yep.

After that we see another clip from Lesnar, this time from Wrestlemania 19, the one where he lands on his head. They edit that out and make it look like he won with three F-5s, but the hardcore fans like you and I know the real story.

Let’s sign this contract already

So it’s the end of the show, which means that we finally see this stupid contract signing. Before this we hear that Henry and Sheamus will wrestle on Smackdown again. After that we see the Lesnar promo from last week FOR THE FOURTH TIME TONIGHT!

After the promo, Johnny Ace comes out to the ring to watch the contract signing. Ace says once again that Brock is going to be the new face of the WWE (I guess the never say his run in UFC? He isn’t much on doing press or much of anything concerning people) also even Michael Cole starts to hate him after he beat up Matthews.

Ace then introduces Cena but he doesn’t come out at first intro (my guess is that he and Punk are drinking in the back). Brock yells and calls him names but he doesn’t come out. Lesnar starts to talk about why he was late to the show.

He started demanding changes to his contract due to his lack of a match. He even brings a new contract. What’s on the contract? (hookers? blow? Bud Light? Sorry he doesn’t drink that crap) He wants control over what he does, he also wants Vince McMahon’s private jet and that he can create his own schedule. Also Brock wants the show renamed Monday Night Raw, Starring Brock Lesnar.

If he doesn’t sign the contract he won’t wrestle Cena. Ace agrees to the changes Lesnar signs the contract. Soon after Cena comes out. The fan’s chant for a while and just kind of stands over the contract until Lesnar makes fun of him. Cena throws it at Lesnar at they stare each other down. Lesnar pushes over the table but then walks out of the ring. The show ends with a close up of Lesnar, and a unsigned contract on Cena’s part.

In the end…

This wasn’t a very good episode of RAW. It was a great edition of Sunday Night Heat, what with the close to two hours of clips and promos. Some times a show of promo’s isn’t a bad thing, however in this instance the promo’s were just bad with a fake drunk Punk and a contract signing that didn’t lead to someone going through a table or a signing, it just looks stupid. Only three stories’ really advanced and even then it wasn’t done in the best way possible. So all in all it didn’t do it’s job of making me care about the upcoming PPV. I hated it.

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