Raw Recap: April 16, 2012

Last week in the WWE universe: Brock delivered the only MMA take down he’s done in his career to John Cena, Daniel Bryan is still awesome and doesn’t care what Rowdy Piper thinks, Johhny Ace fines Shamus a million-bazillion-chagillion dollars and the WWE Legends add little to a already boring program. Now with just two weeks from Extreme Rules can the writers make us care about any of the stories their jamming down our throats? Let’s find out:

Bangers, mash and other Englishy stuff…

So we see that not only is it a super show tonight but it was taped in England. We know this even before we’re told by Michael Cole, by the f*cking red phone boxes and Double Decker bus that is cluttering the entrance way. Very classy, was the Doctor Who set being used that day?

Bly Me! It’s a wrestling match…

Thankfully we don’t start the show with a promo featuring a wrestler trying to relate to the English fans, but we get a match. The match is for the WWE title and is a rematch between Mark Henry and CM Punk and featured no count-outs and DQs.

The match follows a standard format as Punk goes for the kicks and tries to keep up the momentum and Henry uses his power to kick his ass. Henry still looks like he’s hurt as he’s moving around quite slowly (slower than normal).

The crowd, as you might expect, is extremely hot for Punk and he uses the momentum from the audience. Punk does a good spot when he jumps on the guardrail and clotheslines Henry.

Despite the no DQ nature of the match a chair doesn’t enter the match until about fourteen minutes into the match, when Punk tries to beat Henry down. Henry then grabs that chair and works on Punk.

The finish comes when Punk ducks out of the way of Henry, causing him to run into a chair. Punk, with the chair, then delivers a Macho Man like elbow/chair drop onto Henry winning the match.

After that we get a promo with Chris Jericho. Jericho says that he’s is the Number one contender for the WWE title, and that he’ll fight Punk in a Chicago Street Fight (was the last one at Wresltemania 13?). Jericho taunts Punk by showing some footage of Punk going into a Pub during the day. Punk invites Jericho to the ring to smell his breath…this is still stupid. Also Punk says he was in the Pub with a friends to get Fish and Chips and a Fish and Chips chants ensues.

This program is dumb and should end at Extreme Rules.  Also Jericho calls the next PPW Extreme New Rules. This isn’t important but it’s still funny.

Depressing pandering…

After the break we get…R-Truth acting like Sherlock Holmes…just…moving on.

A US title match on English soil? Is that possible? Does any one care?

After that…thing, we get a US Title match. The English pandering thing continues as Santino comes out wearing like 12 football jerseys and Jerry Lawyer reads off a script to tell us what clubs they are (there’s no other way he knew).

The match…happens, as both wrestlers aren’t the greatest. A fun spot happens when Santino tries to do his ducking under his opponent thing but Otunga just kicks him in the face. The finish happens and Santino wins, shocking no one.

A short ride on the A-Train…

After the match we see a promo featuring A-Train (Tensi) and he talks about, stuff. The promo doesn’t lead into anything as Cole then shoots to commercial saying that after the break a taped promo will play with Brock Lesnar cause they can’t afford to have him to England.

Cena is a blah blah blah…

After the break we get that promo. The promo is very UFCesc as it doesn’t look like anything that the WWE has done lately. He talks about how awesome he is and how Cena is a bitch, and so on. During the promo he says that he’s there to kick the crap out of Cena and bring back some legitimacy to WWE.  We also find out that the match is going to be an Extreme Rules match and that Cena should be afraid, but I doubt that will happen cause he’s John Cena.

The writers still hate Zack Ryder…

So after the Lesnar is awesome promo we get a match between Ryder and Kane. Before the match he get a recap of all of the bad things that Kane did to Ryder a year ago when the writer started hating him the funny thing is that I kind of forgot about all of that stuff.

After a commercial we see that a flashback to last week when Kane beat up both Randy and his father Bob Ortan.

The match doesn’t even really start as Ryder gets kicked off the apron and Kane pounds the crap out of him. He beats him up so bad that Ryder leaves his spray tan all over the ring area.

After the beat down Kane cuts a promo, he more or less says that Ortan is a dork and can’t beat him. This will of coarse end with them at Extreme Rules in some match that no one will care about.

Yes Yes Yes…

After that beat down, we get a promo featuring Kofi Kingston, AJ and Daniel Bryan. Bryan thinks he’s hitting on AJ and he’s going to make Kingston tap out to the renamed “Yeslock” when they wrestle later in the night. He then starts chanting “Yes” and we get to see shots of the crowd chanting with him. It’s cool to see that the WWE might be coming around to Bryan as a heel, despite the dropping of the ball at Wrestlemania.

File Cena under F for all the F*cks he gives…

After the break Cena comes out to a sea of boos. He wants to cut a promo about Lesnar and stuff. Cena goes on about how Johnny Ace (Laurinities) hates him and doesn’t want to be Facebook friends with him. Cena also takes the time to make fun of the crowds “Cena Sucks” chants causing more “Cena Sucks” and “Yes” chants.

Cena continues about Lesnar saying more or less that he kicks puppies and lights schoolhouses on fire then says that Lesnar wants to replace him. John admits that he’s scared ,but once again, it’s Cena so After the promo Johnny Ace comes out.

Ace does the whole people power thing and puts Cena in a Extreme Rules match with someone and that on next weeks three hour RAW their will be a contract signing cause it’s an easy way to book a feud.

…Yes Yes Yes…

Following a commercial break and another R-Holmes promo (don’t ask), then the aforementioned match between Bryan and Kingston. Bryan gets a HUGE pop as he come out to the ring.

These two put on a great match; both of these guys are great wrestlers and could easily headline a card anywhere else but are forced to fill in the second from the top spot during RAW.

Dragon chants, “Yes” with just about every move that he does and the crowd loves it. It’s funny that he’s so popular in Smart cities (look up the term if your not familiar). Also Cole makes fun of Jerry Lawyer’s relationship history after Lawyer commented about AJ and Bryan. This made me laugh out loud.

The finish comes when Kingston misses a cross body off the top rope and Bryan puts him in the “Yeslock” and wins the match. Lawyer is confused as to why he is so popular saying, “I use to think that Canada was bizzaro world.” Bryan puts him in a Yeslock again but Shamus comes out and Bryan leaves the ring.

Quick we have five minutes to kill, get Brodus out there…

Looking at the clock we see that the show needs to fill in a few minutes of time so of course we get a Brodus Clay match. This week’s victim isn’t a B-lister but Dolph “I Deserve Better” Ziggler.

The match doesn’t last long as Clay starts to beat up Ziggler but Swagger comes into the ring and gets Ziggler DQ’d. Vikki then get’s…Funked by Clay and the segment ends. Ziggler deserves so much more than this.

After the match we get a promo with Ace and Eve. They have some idea or something, it ends quickly.

Following that we get a very heart felt tribute to Late Chief J Strongbow. It’s nice to see the WWE spend time for the promo and the crowd gives a standing ovation.

S*it we need to fill in more time?

After the break we get even more R-Truth messing around for good reason. After that we get another throw away match, this time a tag team match between Great Khaili/Big Show and Epico and Primo in a non title match.This is so dumb that it defies logic.

Before the match we hear from Cole that Epico and Primo were bitching about not being on TV. Also someone called A.W. watches the match (how is this guy?). This match is a squash. As Khaili walks through the champs and they try and leave the ring, the Big Slow stops them and they win with a double chockslam, riveting television.

Following the squash we get a interesting video based around the WWE performing in Russia. Clearly they’ve forgiven the WWE for teams like the Bolsheviks.

EXTREME!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally following another commercial we get out main event Cena vs., a Mystery opponent in an Extreme Rules match. Who could it be? (I hope it’s the Bolsheviks)

The opponent turns out to be Lord Tensai. Cena seeing the A-Train that is in front of him tries to look scared but its Cena so

The fans aren’t really into this one as they don’t like Cena but don’t really care about Tensai. This leaves the crowd in an odd place.

The finish comes when Cena gets Tensai into a Crippler Crossface (yes that moves that we can’t talk about) and Otunga jumps into the ring, after being AAed Tensai spits mist into Cena’s eyes and hits a chockslam  and gets the three count. The show ends with Cena splashing water into his eyes. Once again Cena is the hero of the WWE Universe.

In the end…

We set up some of the bigger matches for the upcoming PPV, and they kept the Cena/Lesnar angle going so for that it worked. The R-Truth thing failed so hard it should be called Spooks: Code 9 (Maybe one person will get that one).

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