Last week in the WWE Universe: Taker still thinks Michaels is better than Trips, Team Johnny makes team Teddy look like school children, CM Punk’s family is f*cked up, no one cares about Shane Douglas, Booker T still isn’t good at commentary, Shamus isn’t interesting and the Tag Team titles are still useless. With six days till Mania how will the writers make the Cena/Rock match interesting? Will Taker dip Michaels’ hair in an ink well? Will any one remember who the tag champions are? Lets find out:
Holy S*it a wrestling match?
We open the show off the bat with a wrestling match. I know crazy right? It’s a tag team match between Randy Ortan/Shamus vs. Daniel Bryan/Kane this being a preview of their Wrestlemania matches. Oh and Booker is doing commentary…great. This match demonstrates one of the issues with this years Mania, neither of these matches are interesting.
The match goes as expected with Kane using his power over the faces and Bryan using his speed to get in a quick move or two.
The whole Kane’s humanity-leaving thing is a stupid idea for a storyline. I liked Kane more when he was goofy guy that didn’t do much.
The finish comes when AJ jumps into the ring distracting Shamus letting Kane to get a chock slam that let Bryan pick-up the win. No one cares.
Can I buy a Team Johnny shirt/flag?
After the break, we get a promo with Cole in the ring saying that he is the official announcer for Team Johnny. Cole then calls Johnny done to the ring. Ace then introduces the official flag barer, Vikki, and his team leader Otunga.
Booker then tries to announce himself as Teddy’s announcer but he’s… you know Booker T so it he could have said anything. He then introduces Teddy Long, his flag barer and captain. They setup the whole Teddy Mascot on Smackdown, but Lawyer I guess doesn’t watch Smackdown and no idea that Hornewaggle was the mascot.
We then are told that these two are going to wrestle again. Also Michael Cole trends on Twitter. The match doesn’t last too long as Santino wins with the Cobra after Hornswaggle distracts him. Long then pushes Ace again and Santino tries to hit Ace but Miz comes out for the save, and is announced as Team Johnny’s team. Cole calls Miz the WWE’s Patton Manning, which is stupid. Although I’m sure Tebow wishes Manning was in the WWE right now (see I can make a Football joke).
Get ready to bury the talent…
After another commercial break, we’re treated to a Taker/Trips promo. The video shows off clips from their careers as well as their Wreatlemania match (not the one from 17). I’m tired of this build. It’s going to be a decent match (I’d like to see colour in this one not bumps off of a cage) but the premises of the match is that all the other wrestlers on the roster are shit. That doesn’t help the business. At least Ric Flair was classy enough to build up the talent and then bury them in interviews later, Trips/ Taker just seem to think that the roster is cool with them saying their still hot shit after twenty years.
Get the beer its a diva’s match…
After the promo we get a diva’s match and…I went to the Toronto Star website so…Kelly Kelly wins, let’s move on.
Finally Christian has a match…
Being Canadian and from the Toronto area, it’s easy to understand why I love Christian. It also doesn’t hurt that he’s an amazing performer. Put him in a match with CM Punk and you’ve go the basis for a great match.
Christian comes out to the ring with longer hair and a team Johnny t-shirt. He looks like he’s in pain but he’s still awesome. As Punk comes out to the ring we get another Jericho taped promo, he talks about his mother and how shes a nice person but tells the audience that Punk is a bastard…yes his parents were married after he was born…this is a f*cking storyline. Why are they doing this? These two can sell their program without this crap.
Christian attacks from behind and the match starts but Punk flips his s*it and kicks the hell out of Christian get’s DQ’d. So this match never really happened. I guess Christian still isn’t in good enough condition to wrestle a full singles match.
After the break, we find out the Christian has re-injured his neck and is getting checked out by doctors. We know this because Booker brought his iPad with him and looked it up on the website (at least it was Twitter).
And now for something…funky…
Literally thirty seconds after the announcing team used the Owen Hart voice to talk about Christian’s injury, we get a Brodus Clay squash match. This weeks featured jobber is Curt Hawkins.
Sing along if you know the words. Hawkins gets some momentum but Clay kicks the s*it out of him and wins in under two minutes. As an aside to this, every time I see Clay I miss Sweat and Sour Larry Sweeny just a little bit more (look him up).
We need to fill some time, send the Big Show out…
Up next, we get a Big Show and…Primo. You can guess who won this one. This reminds me that there isn’t a tag titles match on the card during Mania, why is that? Also we find out the Christian can’t wrestle at Mania so Ace will have to find another person. Show wins and Rhodes comes down and cuts a heel promo about Show’s Wresltemania record. Rhodes starts using “Big Show” as a verb, and that’s awesome. Rhodes has come into his own over the past few months and I hope they don’t waste that by making him lose to the Big Show.
The writers don’t care about Ryder…
After a commercial break we get a promo featuring the Bella’s arguing about the team Johnny/Teddy match and Ryder makes fun of their faces so they leave. EVE than tries to jump his bones and then the promo ends.
More family s*it
We then see Josh Matthew’s interview with CM Punk. Punk cuts an angry tweener promo more or less saying he’s going to kick Jericho’s ass and the segment ends.
Could I get the Diva’s back?
After another commercial the bookers say a big f*ck you to the audience with a Great Khali/Mark Henry match. I don’t have anything against Henry…anymore, he does a good job with the average size talent but with Khali it just sucks. Also we hear that Christian’s spot was filled with…Drew McIntyre…that’s just stupid, I mean has he won a match on TV this year?
Henry wins with a surprising World’s Strongest slam but the real winners are the fans, cause the match is over. Henry then yells at Long. Ace pushes Long into the ring and all of team Johnny come down and block Team Long. Each Long member get’s their asses kicked until Booker helps Long by scissor-kicking Henry. Guess who the other team member is? That’s right, “King BOOKA”. He spin-a-ronnies and we cut to commercial.
Promo’s out the ass…
I didn’t talk about this throughout the review but during the entire show we see a collection of clips leading up to the Rock/Cena match. I liked them, cause I’d kind of forgotten why these two were wrestling after a year of Miz and Cena programs. Also the TV special doesn’t air until Thursday so I can’t comment on the yet.
Just touch already…
So it’s time for the go home promo between Cena and Rock. I just want the episode to be over at this point, just touch or have security break them up and fade to black. But when the Rock is involved he has to get his Fruite Pebble jokes in (cause the kids love Fruite Pebbles) before anything happens.
The Rock comes down first and does the norm (Finally the Rock…, Boots to Asses, Penis/Vagina Jokes and Long pauses between jokes) and he plays up the importance of his match with Cena. During this, one of the slowest Boots to Asses chants happens (it’s really sad). Rock says that Cena took his place for a while but the Rock is like nothing he’s face before.
Cena then interrupts The Rock. Cena once again acting like he doesn’t give a f*ck, starts smiling about things. He says that he’s prepared for the boos that he will hear. They compare penis sizes (figuratively…not physically, you can get arrested for that) and Cena talks about how awesome he is.
Over the course of the promo Cena kept doing these long pauses were he put the mic somewhat close to the audience to hear their chants. It just feels like they’re trying to kill some time and it’s annoying.
Cena comes across as an asshole, which is the perfect way to run this match, and should have been the plan since day one with these two. He continues to play up the “he’ll still be here after Mania” card (again like they should have from the beginning).
Rock retorts with the fact that he helped build the WWE and that Cena hasn’t faced someone like him before. Rock continues by saying that he doesn’t like Cena and he’s going to kick his ass.
Cena says he’s going to win and we cut to black.
Overall this promo wasn’t bad. The war of words works a lot better than the sing off thing from a few weeks ago. It would have been nice to see some contact between the two but, their not singing so I’m happy.
In the End…
This wasn’t a bad go home show, but it wasn’t the best either. We got some development wit the Punk/Jericho program and Rock/Cena finished their promos off strong. All the other stuff could have been better. I’m not really excited going into this Mania, aside from the two matches above the rest seems like a bit of a waste to me. But it can be any worse than Wrestlemania seven.