RAW RECAP: March 13, 2012

Last week on WWE RAW: Shawn Michaels was made special referee for Taker and Trips at Wresltemania (for some reason), Santino wins the US title…and keeps it (for some reason), the Rock shouts all over Boston (for some reason) and the Tag Team titles are still meaningless (for some reason). Now with three weeks left till the Showcase of old people, can Miz find a match? Who will be in the GM 12 man tag? Will the Rock actually sing? Lets find out:

I’m beginning to think that doctor title was self-appointed…

We open with Jerry Lawyer out in the ring. He says that tonight there’s going to be a Rock/Rap show between Cena and the Rock. He then introduces the first Cena. Cena comes out in his old doctor of Thuganomics apparel and opening theme. He then proceeds to rap…badly. It’s also thankfully short as Cena is gone in under two minutes.

The rap is vintage Cena (thanks Cole) and by that I mean horrible. He raps like a white guy from Boston. Also Cena says chicken shit, so…yeah. That’s sadly how RAW opened.

Oh look it’s Vikki and Nicky…

We think that a quick commercial is coming but instead Vikki Guerrero comes out. She does her thing and introduces Ziggler with his new pink shirt. I guess after the sub-pare rap we need a certain jerker. His opponent in this squash is Shamus, and you know that this match isn’t going to be pretty. Ziggler is too good to be pulling jobs for Shamus.

Cole and King try and play up the Bryan/Shamus match but there’s nothing that they can do at this point to make this match interesting.

Both men take some good bumps. Ziggler got hip tossed out of the ring onto the floor, then hides under the ring to sneak up on Shamus. Ziggler then throws Shamus into the announcer’s table leaving a large red mark on his back. The spot also breaks Lawyer’s headset for a few minutes.

During the match we then turn to Bryan and AJ sitting in a private box scouting Shamus, it’s short and pointless.

These two get fifteen minutes to wrestle a decent match, the finish comes when Shamus hits the boot and gets the three count. Also Billy Gunn trends on Twitter cause Ziggler hit a Famasser.

Oh god neither of these two can cut a promo

We come back from commercial break and see a repeat of last weeks Smackdown where Teddy Long pinning Super Dave (Lauranitis). After the promo Johnny Ace comes out to the ring to watch the tag team match between Long’s team captain Santino and Ocsana against David Otunga and a mystery partner.

Right from the get go Ace is terrible as a commentator, he just misses spots all the time, plus he ignores Cole.

Ace then changes the match to a handy-cap match between Santino and Otunga/Mark Henry. Teddy then comes out for no reason and the match begins. Ace and Long yell at each other Long pushes Ace again and Ace sells it like death.

Santino goes for the Cobra but gets the sh*t kick out of him. Otunga and Henry beat the crap out of him until Kingston comes down to get his ass kicked. Then R-Truth comes out…and gets his ass kicked. Henry is then announced as one of Ace’s representatives.

Fill in time…

Following the match we get a promo of Miz’s appearance on the show Psyche. After that we get a repeat of Cena’s rap from earlier on in the night. I guess the needed to stretch out this episode.

What the f*ck is this?

Following the commercial we get part of the show extra (never heard of it) where the host talked to the Bella’s and another diva about Mania.

After the promo, we continue to see that the writers don’t know what to do with Ryder as he falls in love with EVE. Beth then talks to EVE about who she’s a whore and that she could do something, I don’t know this story bothers me.

Following that promo we get another promo this time with the Miz. He wants to be on Ace’s team. This promo is dumb and is just a commercial for Miz on Psyche. Ace then gives him a match with CM Punk; if he wins he’ll be one Ace’s team.

AGAIN, AFTER THAT PROMO WE GET ANOTHER PROMO TELLING US THAT BRODUS CLAY IS UP NEXT. God I hope a wrestling match will break out during this soap opera.

He’s back, I guess…

Following the insane amount of promo’s we get the return of Brodus Clay. He was taken off TV cause they thought his character wasn’t working. I guess they forgot that.

His jobber this week is Jinder Mahal. The match is short and he trends on Twitter (but so did #ToMyUnbornChild).

I hate twitter...

I’m waiting for the moment were Clay just snaps and kicks the crap out of a jobber…well beats up a jobber even more.

Did I just wake up in 1998?

Following the funky commercial we get a face to face between Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker. Shawn comes out (with pyro for some reason) and he and his lazy eye recap last week’s episode of RAW (cause we’re retarded).  He calls out the Undertaker to hear if he thinks that Shawn’s a failure.

Taker comes in the ring (after what seemed like forever) and stares Michael down. Michaels wants Taker to call him bad names to his face. Taker does so and tries to throw Michaels’ anger at Trips.

Michael’s goes on about who Taker is still trying to prove that he’s worth something. Taker just shrug’s it off and puts down Michaels (also Taker can’t pronounce Destiny). He also says that if Michael helps Trips win he’ll kick his ass.  Taker says that he’ll win and if Shawn cheats he’ll end Michaels.

Trips then comes out and just smirks and crotch chops at Taker. Taker then tries to act angry.

I’m already tired of Psyche…

Ok I’ve never seen this show but this episode is pushing this show so hard, I’m not going to watch it now it spite. So the host of the show is the announcer and is annoying, it goes on to long and amounts to nothing.

While Miz and Punk were being introduced, we get this creepy shoot of Jericho watching a monitor in the back. It just looked strange.

Punk and Miz put on a decent little match with Punk pulling most of the weight. Miz isn’t a bad wrestler; he’s just not a good one. The match isn’t anything special. The finish comes when Punk makes Miz tap in the Anaconda Vice. So I guess Miz isn’t going to be a Mania.

Earlier in the night Jericho tweeted (god I just typed that) saying that he found out something about Punk’s past. What was it? It’s the fact that his father is a alcoholic…and that’s why he’s straight edge. This is awkward but I guess this is building to something. Punk does act though, he seemed to be concerned by the reveal, also CM Drunk Trends.

Still hate twitter...

Filling in time again….

Come from the break we get a interesting from David Otunga, it’s more or less one of those bad law firm adds. “Otunga isn’t paid until you get paid.” Truly he is the legal Goldberg.

After that the writers try and make another storyline interesting, this time between Randy Ortan and Kane. They show the back and forth between the two. Randy then beats-up Swagger in a match. It ends when Ortan hits the RKO and gets the three count.

He doesn’t get much time to celebrate however as Kane’s pryo hits the ring. Despite this Kane doesn’t appear.

After that we get another recap of Cena’s rap, that’s three times we’ll heard this crap. We’re then assured that Rock’s rock concert is after the break.

More like a Beiber concert…

Our final segment is off coarse reserved for the Rock. He comes with his guitar and postures to the crowd for about three minutes before entering the ring. Trying to fill in more time he continues to posse for the crowd.

The Rock then says that RAW that night is the largest sell out crowd in Cleveland, or something it doesn’t matter cause it’s Cleveland, it’s the Oshawa of America (it’s funny…look it up). Rock continues to cut Cena down with jokes that don’t make sense. I just didn’t find it funny at all.

Rock finally sits down and grabs his guitar starts to play. The song spews out all of the same crap that he’s been saying for the past year but in song. Was it painful? Not really. Was it good? Not really. The song managers to put in a rectal exam joke, cause he can. Also a divorce joke, so it bounces all around.

The song and the segment goes on for too long maybe twenty minute, eight of those minutes happened after the show should of ended. But he kept the audience and the commentators entertained at least.

The issue I have with this whole story is that I don’t know who the face is? Is it Cena? Or is it the Rock? They both do things that are heelish but still are fan favourite, this match would only work if one of them were a heel in my opinion. But, the match will still draw millions for both of them.

The Rock then tries to end the promo with…another song, cause the twenty other versus weren’t enough. This time his own version of Queen’s We Will Rock You. Rock f*cks this up pretty badly, despite having to read the screen that had the lyrics on it. And we end with Brian May’s guitar solo and confusion.

In the end…

This episode of RAW was bit of a mess. While we did get some decent matches (which is kind of the point for a wrestling program) the promo’s were all over the place. The ‘Punk’s drunk of a dad’ thing felt tacked on, the Taker/Trips Cell match is trying to take up all of the spotlight and the whole Cena/Rock sing off thing was just stupid. Overall this was a meh episode. And most of it felt like it went on…

So the writing team has less than three weeks to pull this thing around. What’s next for the Rock and Cena? A spelling bee? A beauty pageant? Or maybe a game of Scrabble? I can’t wait to see what the amaze (sarcasm) us with next week.

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