RAW RECAP: March 5, 2012

Last week on WWE Raw: Rock reads off his wrist and acts angry, Kane kills the tag team division and the Triple H/undertaker match still isn’t very interesting. What can the writers pull out of their asses this week with just four weeks before Wresltemania.

Insert Shawn Michaels joke here

We start off the show not with fireworks or the intro but with HBK coming out to the ring. While Shawn’s busy being himself, Cole and King fill us in the Ace isn’t on this nights show but has switched with Teddy Long…yeah?

Michaels talks about how he wants Trips to fight Taker and beat him at Mania, I guess there trying to set up a future match between Michaels and Trips next year. Michaels calls Trips out to the ring.

Michaels plays up the fact that Trips didn’t originally listen to him but he’s “happy” that he did after Taker questioned the size of his penis. They try and build this up but it sounds kind of dumb, like your younger brother bothering you for the remote.

At this point I’m still not all that interested in the storyline. In fact, I’m more interested in how they’re going to do a Hell in the Cell in a football stadium with no top.

Trips talks about how it doesn’t matter who is better but that Taker can be defeated. He’s not just doing it for him but for Shawn too. Also Michaels is the special referee for the match…yeah again?

Before the break we see the main event of the night, with The Champions teaming up with the other’s number one contender i.e. CM Punk/Shamus vs. Bryan/Jericho.

Holy Shit a title match?

As #YouKnowYouDrunkWhen trends on Twitter we move on too our first match of the night, A United States title match between the Champ Jack Swagger and…Santino F*cking Marella…why? Has he one a match in over a week?

Cole makes the same comment that I did pointing out that Long is showing favouritism to Marella.

The match is short with Marella getting the advantage quickly but Otunga distracts him and Ziggler stops the Cobra (I wish that was a joke but it isn’t).  Long comes out with his group and Ace and Long yell at each other.

We return from a commercial break with Santino gaining momentium just to have them repeat the spot from before. Marella then hits Ziggler then aims for Vikki. Swagger puts him in a crappy looking ankle lock. Marella breaks out and rolls him up making…Marella the f*cking U.S. champion…f*ck.

Ace isn’t happy about this but Long kicks him out of the building. Ace leaves the arena screaming he’ll get Long but not his little dog too.

So I guess the U.S. Title is now completely useless now.

Welcome to History 101. I’m The Rock and I’ll be your teacher…

We get a video from the Rock around parts of Boston. The first is at the Boston Harbour, using the original Tea Party as an example. But instead of throwing tea he throws merch and throws over the bridge. This segment is actually funny, due to the awful amount of merch that the made for Cena. Rock preaches about the wrestling revolution that he’s going to start, why would a guy who isn’t’ going to be in the company in five weeks create a revolution.

Kayfabe enjoyment…I mean a Diva’s match…

We’re then treated to a Diva match between EVE and someone else. To make this even more painful he also get Kelly Kelly on commentary. It’s painful; lets just leave it at that. Eve wins with a four count and the pain is over under a minute.

Then EVEs ex boyfriend Zack Ryder comes out to the ring. He calls her a “Hoeski” and leaves. Hoeski chants ensue.

After the break, we see that EVE follows Ryder and kisses him. Ryder immediately falls for her again, cause the writing staff has nothing for him.

Lonely, I’m so lonely…

To match the Rock promos we then see the flip side, While the Rock was out in Boston, Cena, who’s from Boston just sits in an empty arena and talks to a camera.

He gives a Barbra Walters-esc interview were he talks about how this isn’t just a match between him and The Rock. He complements him saying that he’s the best in the business. He says that if he doesn’t win he will be known as one of the greatest wrestlers of all time.

Wait I thought this was the main event?

After another commercial the tag team match that Cole told us was the main event starts. The match CM Punk/Shamus vs. Bryan/Jericho isn’t a bad idea, we get to see Punk and Jericho in match and it also reminds us that Shamus is the number 1 contender for Bryan. Seriously there is no build to the Bryan/Shamus match. All we have now is that Shamus is Irish and Bryan is a vegan, there fore the have to fight.

The match is textbook with Jericho and Bryan focusing on the smaller CM Punk. Punk builds the heat and gets the hot tag to Shamus and kicks their asses.

Jericho takes a big bump when he get’s thrown into the corner and his knee hits the turnbuckle. The match ends as Jericho goes for the walls of Jericho but Punk rolls him up, but Jericho keeps one shoulder up, winning the match

History 102

We then get another Rock promo, this time with the statue of Paul Revere. He says that if Cena was Revere the USA would be English. This promo isn’t as good as the first one, despite Rocks rant about creating a time machine to stop the English talking over the USA or something, I stopped listening after a while. He also says that he’s going see Cena in the ring later. I guess he got an early copy of the script.

Oh great, the Miz is still around…

After repeating the events we saw just an hour ago, we get a match between The Miz and the Big Slow. Before the match can start Cody Rhodes comes out once again making fun of Show. This time at his lack of an apperance at Wrestlemania 18 in Toronto (I was there, thanks for asking). The match starts. No one cares and Big Show wins in less than two minutes. Moving on.

Another war of words…

Following yet another history lesson we finally get the face-to-face promo. Cena comes out first. Cena does a good job of putting down the Rock making fun of his cereal references and horse penis. He also makes fun of himself (hey that’s my job) and he talks about how he doesn’t care. Cena continues saying that he doesn’t want to fight Dwayne Johnson but the Rock at Mania.

The Rock comes out looking kind of pissed off. Rock says that when he looks into Cena’s eyes he sees fear. He continues by saying that he has all the confidence to kick his ass.

The Crowd for some reason start chanting “Tooth Fairy” at the Rock. Rock says that behind every movie and catch phrase he is better than Cena. Rock gets in Cena’s face and he leaves the arena.

Cena still in the ring writes down part of Rock’s promo and says he has to win at Mania cause he doesn’t have a second option. Cena throws the mic down and jumps into the crowd.

In the end…

While there’s still so building that need to be done for some of the storylines, the main match, that being Rock/Cena is shaping up quite well. I just hope the rest of the card fill out.

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