Last time at WWE Elimination Chamber, nothing changed. No champions changed and Cena beat Kane. Now with six weeks till Wrestlemania the WWE has to get into gear. How will the Cena/Rock angle start? Will Triple H accept Undertakers challenge? Will CM Punk fight Jericho? Does a bear shit in the woods?
Let’s find out:
Surprise! It’s a supershow…
We start off a video package of the Cena/Ryder/EVE/Kane storyline (for the millionth time). At this point I think it’s imprinted into my brain.
The show truly opens with EVE talking to the Bella twins for…no reason. EVE goes on about how Ryder is a loser and she used him to make people talk about her and she’ll to use Cena to get something….The surprising thing is that even the Bella Twins who I think are heels, think that this is a bitch move on EVE’s part.
EVE then turns around to see Cena there listening the whole time…awkward. This comes off like a bad scene from Degrassi. But with even worse acting…so like 90210. (zing?)
I guess that wasn’t the opening?
The show truly starts, with Cena coming out to the ring, seemingly forgetting the promo that just happened. He smiles and we see images from the Ambulance match (also Lawlyer adds about three syllables to Ambulance).
EVE then comes out and tries to act…I mean explain the promo we just saw. Cena more or less tells her to go back to her home on whore island. The EVE’s acting is so bad that Ed Wood would cringle. Cena then starts a “Hoeski” chant and that’s maybe the funniest thing Cena’s ever said.
Cena they calls EVE and Rock are bitches. EVE’s emotion chip goes into overdrive and she starts to cry then latch onto Cena like the babies creatures from Alien. Two Refs come down and get he away from Cena. Cena makes a STD joke and then leaves the ring.
EVE continues acting and the promo ends. What a great way to start the Road to Wrestlemania. By calling a woman a whore…thanks guys.
We then cut to a promo of the Undertaker. The video starts with Taker saying Vengeance over and over again, while playing various clips of Trips saying he won’t fight him. Also how did Trips win the war with Taker? He lost twice to him at Mania. I guess the fact that he signs his checks means victory now-a-days.
Holy shit! It’s a Wrestling match…
Our first match starts as Shamus comes down to the ring. We hear that Shamus will wrestle Daniel Bryan at Mania. We know this to be true because after the Chamber match, the ginger kick the shit out of the vegan. His jobber…I mean opponent, Mark Henry comes down to the ring.
Cole explains that despite being “Suspended” at Smackdown Johnny Ace let him have a match on RAW. It’s good to see Henry in the ring after his injury…I mean suspension. Also Hoeski is trending on Twitter. Shamus wins…nothing new here.
Who’s Da Boss?
After that we cut to a promo with Ace and Teddy Long backstage. Long is pissy that Ace wants his job. Long says he should be the GM of both RAW and Smackdown. He then more or less calls Ace a shithead and Ace announces a battle royal for the Number one contenders of the WWE title. The ten wrestlers in the match are to losers from both Chamber matches…that doesn’t make sense to me why are we rewarding the people who just lost? Plus, Otunga has to face someone from the Smackdown roster. Personally I want to less on Long, I’m tired of him. Ace is something new and interesting in my opinion, and the fact that Ace can barely put a sentence together is pretty funny.
Spiders, tag teams and Little Jimmy…
After the commercial we get a tag team match between R-Truth/Kingston vs. tag champs Primo and Epico. Cole and King due their jobs by selling the fact that Truth and Kingston more than likely hurting after the Chamber. This match was OK but could have used more Truth on the mic talking about spiders. The match ends with Truth and Kingston winning. So I guess Truth and Kingston are going to be a tag team? That’s better than Evan Bourn and Kingston.
Follow the break we get a promo for the next inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame, Ron Simmons. This makes a lot of sense to me. Simmons being the first black WCW champion, one half of a successful tag team APA and former Ottawa Rough Riders, the only question I have is why did it take so long? This is looking like a good year for the hall of fame.
Wow a promo? Haven’t seen one of those in six minutes…
After that we get an update on the Jericho “elimination” during the Chamber match. He goes on about how he wasn’t eliminated and that Punk is a punk for claiming to be the Champion. He also says that he’ll win the Battle Royal and…you can guess the rest.
The Goldberg of the lawyers…
We’re then treated to a Otunga match. Cole kisses up to Ace about how awesome he is. We then see his opponent is Ezekual Jackson. Cole plays up Otunga’s Goldbergesc lawyer career, I don’t know why this is so funny to me but if this is the only story they have for this guy, he’s in trouble. Otunga then wins the match out of nowhere. Jackson I guess didn’t have enough coffee that night.
Say Yes to the Dress…I mean match
After the match we see a recap of Shawn Michael brow beating Trips about not wanting to fight Taker. This would be interesting if I cared about this match but, I don’t. We’ve seen it twice and the third time will end the same way. Also I guess the WWE got the rights to play a Metallica song, cause every time these two on screen The Memory Remains plays.
With the ringing of the bell we see the Undertaker and his new hair cut, come down to the ring. Despite the fact that he’s old this is still cool. Taker talks about how he’s consumed by the beating that he took from Trips. He explains that he needs to defeat Trips to feel better…or something, this storyline is dumb in my opinion.
Taker then buries the roster saying that he and Taker are the last of the better wrestlers (or old breed but he all now what it means). He also says that if they don’t fight the apocalypse of bad wrestling will continue. So if this match doesn’t happen Russo will come back to the WWE?
Trips comes out and tries to talk but Taker tells him to shut up like JBL talking to Michael Cole.
They continue to bury the locker room by saying that they’re the remaining two of…assholes who Vince pushed up to the moon (I guess that’s true seeing how Nash is gone).
Trips says that he can’t fight him cause it’s bad for business…try and figure that out. Taker asks is he’s worried that Taker will kick the shit out of him. Trips continues to not fight Taker. He says that Taker wants to someone to end the streak, but he’ll not be the one to do it. Then like they were ten year olds on the playgroup Taker calls him a coward (if that didn’t work, I think Takers plan was to double dog dare him).
Taker then says that Trips knows that Michaels was better (which is true) and even he couldn’t defeat him, so he’s afraid. This pisses Trips off and the two meet in the middle of the ring to measure the seizes of their penises…I mean stare each other down. Trips says he can beat him and he’ll fight him at Mania but only if they fight in a hell in a cell match because…Trips wants to do a Mankind spot.
Vegan Powers Away…
Daniel Bryan come out after the break. I still love Bryan’s gimmick, it’s awesome just to see him screaming that he’s the best. Cole then confirms that Taker and Trips will face each other in hell in a cell and that Punk and Bryan will wrestle each other on a live Smackdown this Tuesday.
You can’t spell Vegan without squash…
Bryan get’s on the mic and talks up how awesome he is. Then Santino comes out, cause god hates you. These two go at it. I don’t understand why people like Santino, in fact I f#cking hate him he makes me angry. The match then ends in less than two minutes in the same fashion that it did in the Chamber match, making the match pointless.
Nobody cares about this…
We then get a woman’s tag team match between the Bella Twins and Kelly Kelly/Longs bitch. It ends quickly and order is restored to the force.
The way we opened, minus the Hoeki…
Cena then talks about Wrestlemania and stuff. He makes fun of the Rock cause…Cena is trying to be the heel in the feud. Cena’s always had an issue with the Rock because he turned his back on the Wrestling industry to become famous.
The Only smart thing that he does say is that after Mania the Rock will be gone but Cena is going to stick around. Cena says he’s fighting for all of the people in the back that don’t make movies. Truly Cena is the voice of the speakless.
This promo seemed like it came out of nowhere. It would have be nice to build this up over the past few months, but this is the WWE so f#ck building storylines.
Finally it’s almost over…
We then get our main event, the Battle Royal between all of the losers from the Chamber pay-per-view. CM Punk then comes out and does commentary during the match.
The match plays out how you think it would. All of the wrestlers team up and eliminate Khali. Both Cole and Punk make fun of Khali because he’s talentless and he killed a dude once in the ring.
We come back from the break and Punk jumps all over Cole and it’s hilarious. I can’t over state the awesomeness of Punk doing commentary. Anytime Cole get’s made fun of, an angel get’s it’s wings.
The match continues with people getting eliminated.
Show has a good spot were he through Ziggler out of the ring and he kind of get’s caught by Truth and Barrett. No one in this spot walked away on there own power as Barrett looked like he got f#cked up, and maybe even broke his arm. I’m guessing a battle royal one night after the Elimination Chamber wasn’t such a good idea.
The final two, Jericho and Show fight it out. Jericho with the help of Rhodes eliminates Show. This match looked like it was cut short due to either time or the injury of Barrett.
Jericho and Punk then meet in the middle of the ring for their posse with the Wrestlemania symbol moment. Punk tries to adhere to the code of honor but Jericho leaves the ring.
In the end…
This RAW went into overdrive trying to kick-start multiple storylines that could have been easily set up earlier. Plus anytime a good talent like Barrett gets injured it’s not a good thing. The WWE once again proves that they are masters of booking good storylines that will end in six weeks.