Last time on the Raw recap:
The Raw main event of Elimination Chamber was announced, Laurinaitis talked about stuff, Ziggler jobbed to Orton, Regal and Hawkins made an appearance, Brodus Clay beat a jobber, Hipster vs. Vegan, Jericho still not talking, Miz kicked Truth’s cat, Women’s title match bores and Undertakers’ wig makes an appearance to challenge Trips to a match at Mania…
What’s this week? Jericho promo? Bryan eats a steak? Brodus Clay engages in a twenty-minute, 5-star match with the Sandman, while baking a cake? (Even that’s to far fetched for the WWE) There’s only one way to find out. Let’s watch.
When isn’t it a Supershow?
We kick off the show with the announcement of the main event, is a pack six match. The winner gets to be number six in the Elimination Chamber match. We’re also informed that Big Show will face Daniel Bryan because…the pay-per-view is in two weeks?
Oh look it’s Triple H
The show truly gets started when Trips and his suit come out to the ring. He informs the audience that he was going to fire Johnny Ace before that Pesky Undertaker stopped him. Trips then calls Ace an ass kisser without a hint of irony.
He says that Ace went bitching to the company so he wouldn’t get fired.
Trips then reminds the audience that he beat up (but lost to) the Undertaker last year at Wrestlemania.
He goes on to say that he wasn’t impressed with Taker and his wig last week. He throws to a video package of Taker over the years doing the same shtick that he’s always done. After that he throws to another video, this time Taker looks more like me after watching an episode of WCW Nitro from early 2000.
He turns down the match because he respects him, and doesn’t want him to get hurt. This being an “I’m not a heel, just a dickhole” promo.
He then tries to leave the ring but the lights and his music cut out. We then see a taped promo, of Taker brooding while watching clips of their last match and the “Dickhole” promo that Trips just cut.
Taker asks for a chance at vengeance in a rematch. We then cut to commercial kind of killing the moment faster than Kane killed Paul Bearer.
How many time are we going to see this F*cking match?
We then get our Bryan Vs. black match of the night, this time featuring the Big Show and we see (for the millionth time) the clip of Show running over AJ from two months ago.
While coming out to the ring it we hear that Michael Cole despite the past two months of heel promo’s still doesn’t like Bryan. What is it going to take? Does have to butt f*ck a pig while punching Hitler to get you to say something other than how he sucks?
Everyone’s favourite vegan accompanied by AJ comes down to the ring and proceeds to get beaten up by Big Show. We then cut to a commercial break.
While #IWantItThatWay trends on Twitter we return to the match. Bryan continues to work on Shows legs, but Show breaks up the offence with a spearish kind of move (Bryan kind of ran into him and Cole called it a spear).
Show going for the chockslam, gets blocked and Bryan trys to get some offence going but runs out of the ring once Show stares him down. Bryan lands on the outside fakes a injury and tries to use AJ as a distraction.
Show stops inches away from hitting AJ, and Bryan gets counted out.
Bryan continues to cut down Show saying if he stopped then, why didn’t he then? He ends the promo but saying he’ll still be a vegan and the champ after Elimination Chamber. The feud continues…yeah?
WTF is this?
We then get a “recap” of Carl Edwards inviting John Cena to start the race at this year’s Daytona 500.
When the F*ck was this shot/shown. I don’t remember that, was it not shown in Canada? WTF?
The action doesn’t stop as we see a promo for the Elimination Chamber. They show highlights and explain the simplistic rules to the audience. I find it funny that most of the clips feature commentary from Matt Striker despite the fact he hasn’t been on Raw or Smackdown for like ever.
We then cut to a Journey 2 (Electric Boogaloo) ad, and then to commercials. At this rate I’m hoping that a wrestling match might break out during the promos.
David Otunga comes out and kisses Ace’s ass and hopes that the WWE doesn’t fire him. He then starts to “Tebow” in the middle of the f*cking ring while asking the audience to pray for Ace.
We then find out that Trips was more of a New England Patriots fan and puts him in a match, against everyone’s favourite Irishman…and no it’s not The Edge…the U2 guitare…nevermind.
What’s tall, white, Irish and hasn’t drawn a dime?
We then find out Otunga gets to job to Shamus this week cause…Trips likes him.
Shamus rips off his sweater vest and proceeds to beat the piss out of him.
Cole continues to boasts that Otunga is 20 and 0 in law cases, like he’s some kind of legal Goldberg (that would be the best storyline for Otunga!).
Otunga takes off his shirt, trends on twitter and get’s kicked in the face ending the match and earning his paycheck.
Jericho and his light bright jacket, comes down to the ring, with the intention of breaking his silence and telling us what he wants.
Jericho cuts a “How to be heel” master class on how he’s going to stop the pretenders in the WWE and how he manipulated the audience without saying a word. He also uses the word “Trolling.”
He goes over that everyone in the Elimination Chamber match is ripping him off (there’s more truth to the Miz comparison than they let on).
CM Punk comes down to play the Macduff to the Macbeth.
Punk doesn’t say a word and raises the belt over his head. We cut to an angle that shows Jericho and Punk with the Wrestlemania logo in the background (duuuuuhhhhh are they going to fight at Mania?).
Holy S*it! The Great Khali is still employed?
We then see a match that isn’t good enough to show on Smackdown (think about that) as Wade Barrett and I.C. champ Cody Rhodes job to Khali (he’s a babyface?) and Randy Orton.
We then see that Orton will be facing Bryan on Smackdown this week. Is Bryan going to face all of the challengers in singles matches?
The match…happens. I got bored and started looking up stuff on twitter (why was “Jesus and God” trending?). The match ends, Orton RKOs Khali and we move on with our lives.
We then hear about the “Twitter War” between Cena and the Rock, and we cut to a video package of Cena featuring all of the media appearances that he’s made.
The video goes on for…
and features some terrible music.
At least with the Rock videos we see a bit of his family history, namely Rock Johnson and the “High chief” Peter Maivia. With Cena we see that he was another tragic member of the 90s hip hop craze and looks like a fill in for Marky Mark(he’s out like shout).
Go for a walk, its a woman’s tag team match
We then get an 8 Diva tag team match and…I started reading the Toronto Star website.
It ends and the announcers just forget about it and cut to the Rock on the Tonight show…great. You couldn’t pay me to watch Jay Leno.
Johnny Ace has a fast plane
So earlier we heard that Ace was at the WWE headquarters, now he’s there in the building. He tells Trips that Shawn Michaels is going to be at next weeks Raw…yeah? He also tells us that Cena and Kane will fight in an Ambulance match (oh cause Zack Ryder was taken away in an ambulance, so smart). Triple H then makes fun of Ace and we cut to commercial.
The segment kind of continues as Ace gets interviewed by Josh Matthews and Ace calls Trips a poopy head.
Pack Six stuff
We then get or main event, the six pack challenge to determine who will be last in the Elimination Chamber. The match featuring: Kingston, Ziggler, R-Truth, Punk, Jericho and Miz (cause he’s still around). The first person to score a pin fall wins.
The match is set-up so that Punk/Jericho, Truth/Miz and I guess Kingston/Ziggler can fight each other.
But the match starts with Jericho being teamed up against by everyone.
Part way through the match Truth takes a big bump when Miz doesn’t catch him and he splats onto the mat. He gets carried out of the ring.
Jericho spends most of the match outside of the ring waiting for his moment to strike, once again showing off his Heel 101. Once Punk and Jericho get in the ring, the crowd…kind of pops.
Before they can fight Ziggler and Miz break them up.
Another cool spot came when Punk tried to super-plex Ziggler, but Jericho and Miz turn it into a Super-Duper-Plex slamming all three onto the mat.
It’s obvious that Truth and Kingston were suppose to do stuff but, when Truth got carried out had to just take a nap.
The finish comes when Punk hits the Go-2-Sleep on Ziggler and get’s thrown out of the ring by Jericho and grabs the win. Jericho then grabs the belt and sits in the trademark Punk pose in the middle of the ring.
WHAT THE F*CK
WE THEN CUT TO KANE BEING EVIL AND SCARING EVE…WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS? WHY ARE WE SEEING THIS? WHO THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE TO PUT THIS PROMO?
He goes on about he’s afraid that he’s going to hurt Cena blah blah blah. AND THE SHOW JUST ENDS ON KANE’S ACTING SCARY…F*CK!
Thanks for the fish
Overall this week wasn’t as bad as last week. We get an idea of why Jericho is there and we see Taker brooding in his room listening to Trips on a loop. It was better than Impact Wrestling, but I could book a backward wrestling event and still be better than Impact.