Raw 01/30/12: Two hours of set-up

Sadly featuring John Cena....

While I have no issue telling people I’m a comic book fan, I’ve always been embraced about one thing. I’m a wrestling fan. Yes the Hogan leg drops and Jerry “The King” Lawyer’s fireballs got their hooks in me from an early age. While I may have traded in the leg drops and fireballs for the handshakes and elbows of Ring of Honor, I still try and watch WWE Raw and Smackdown.

This act can be an issue, as the current WWE seems to either piss me off or give me heartburn. So it’s kind of a day-to-day thing with me.

I thought that I would watch Raw live (15 minute delay in Canada) and give my thoughts on the show.

So let’s start the show, brother:

Enter Johnny Ace:

So John Laurinatis (intern GM of Raw and Super Dave Impersonator) comes down (without the skateboard) trying to suck up so Triple H won’t fire him and have to go back to the office with the Brooklyn Brawler.

Super Dave talks up all of the good things he’s done, and pushes the pay-per-view Elimination Chamber’s main event; Punk, Kingston (why), Ziggler, Miz, R-Truth and Jericho in the Chamber for the belt.

He also makes the main event of the night Champion vs. Champion, Punk vs. Bryan.

Punk comes down and tries to sing Super Dave out for about three minutes (or so it seemed). They try and continue their Austin/McMahan feud (Punk calls him a dork…that’s funny to me). Punk makes fun of Super Dave’s mic ability, while making a suck and blow joke.

Dave tries to start a new with Punk, he declines and D-Bryan comes down for no reason.

He starts cutting a heel promo, claiming that no one cares about their issues (let that joke sink in…where is AJ again) and barges about his win at Rumble. Say’s Punks not a challenge, leading Punk to use the phrase that Bryan used in the Indies scene “Best in the World.” Bryan then brings up the fact he’s a vegan…why? (don’t we all know they have magic powers?) They compare pen…I mean titles and then Shamus comes out.

Who thought this was a good idea?

Shamus, feeling like the pretties Irish girl at the prom, talks about how he can challenge either of them in Wrestlemania. He also wishes Super Dave a good kick in the ass and then leaves. Once again this promo solves everything.

Stairway to kayfabe

We see a replay of Wade Barrett “throwing” Randy Orton down the stairs causing him to be injured him for a cup of coffee.

We then see Barrett in a box with Josh Mathews, ready to watch Orton beat the piss out of a jobber. Cole pushes their rematch that will take place on Smackdown. Cole calls the ringside area with the two inside of it a “Danger Zone.”

The jobber in question, Dolph Ziggler, comes down to the ring with Vikki The talent behind him. (Vikki’s screaming seems to not only annoy but chip paint off walls)

Barrett continues to talk about how his shit is better than Orton’s and how he’ll beat him no problem. Also he trends on Twitter along with “Tiny PREGNANT”…I don’t know why (make your own May Young glove birthing joke here).

Orton and Ziggler give a pretty good match; Orton beats the piss out of him and scores the momentum going into Smackdown.

A Wrestlmania promo…I’m going to see a lot of these, aren’t I?

We get a lame ass promo for Wrestlemania, then a recap of what happened at Rumble with John Cena, Kane and Zack Ryder.

Two things: why did Ryder have a dressing room? And how can Ryder survive after two stricture stops.

Why isn’t Regal on the show more often?

We then see a video from the back with Super Dave sucking up to people he then passes William Regal. He asks about his children, get’s the sex wrong and then moves on and gives Curt Hawkins more Raw airtime than he’s had in the past year and a half.

Funking kill me…now.

We then get Dusty…Risk…Brutus Clay, the funkasorus. It should be obvious to everyone whose watched wrestling for more than one year that it’s going to be one hell of a squash against some guy named Reks.

Reks get’s more offence than the Brawler, and Clay shows off his two moves and ends it in a minute and a half, his longest match on TV to date.

We get a short video in the back with the Champs talking to each other. Bryan talks about Vegan’s and straight edge…people. Then we’re told that the match which sounded like a main event is next.

Fight of the hippsters…champions, I meant champions

We then move to the champion vs. champion match. Lawler says Punk is the best in the world because he is the WWE champion. That means that Bryan isn’t cause he’s the World Heavyweight Champion (you know, the other WWE Champion) nice to know their not barring their talent.

Cole tries to sell the next edition of the WWE magazine were the article compares D-Bryan to Bret Hart. While that would be a good, it’s not one that people are asking for.

Bryan and Punk give a good ROH style match. But, Cole and Lawler talk about vegans…I sense a theme. CM Punk vs. Daniel Bryan starts trending on Twitter…but so is “Vagina Holes” so make of that what you will.

Michael Cole in just five minutes starts complementing Bryan but then remembers that he’s an asshole and starts cutting him down for being a heel (the heel that doesn’t like another heel).

Punk set’s up the Go to sleep but Bryan ducks out and gets a dropkick off of the top rope. They do a nice back and forth stop with both guys looking like their going to win. Punk hits’ the Macho Man elbow drop off the top rope.

The match then ends with Chris Jericho coming in and attacking first Bryan and then Punk giving Bryan the win. With this they set-up hopefully a Punk/Jericho program for Wrestlemania.

Over all this, ending made the match pointless. Brilliant booking all around.

Hall of Fame?

Then we find out that Mike F*ucking Tyson is going to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame.

…there’s justice in the world?

It’s better than Drew Carrey. (Cause Carrey isn’t “on the Zolof to keep from killin’ ya”)

Oh great, it’s R-Truth

As “Male Strippers” starts trending on Twitter R-Truth comes out and takes a seat at the announce table (can’t be worse than Booker T)

Kingston comes out surprising everyone that’s he’s still employed, then his opponents Miz comes out and says that he’s (beat you can’t guess) awesome…shocking.

Truth than says something about how Miz kicked his cat so he kicked his dog. I don’t really know were that’s going. Cole then tries to talk about “Little Jimmy” and then Truth…does nothing.

Blah blah blah…Little Jimmy stuff, the match ends, Kingston wins. I’m quickly losing interest in this and life.

Super Dave and other Dave talk about stuff

David Otunga tells Super Dave that he has nothing to worry about, and that he did something off camera that helps Super Dave…somehow. (please make it stop)

We then get a promo about the Rock that features bad music.

Go get a beer, it’s just a women’s title match

Eve vs. women’s champion Beth Phoenix…get ready for balls to the wall action.

Eve comes down to the ring thinking that Kane was going to jump out and attack her. I then realized that not only have we not seen, Kane and Ryder but no John Cena…not that I’m complaining, it’s just a fact.

King and Cole try to sell just how important the belt is, but the match ends before they can finish their statements.

Then Kane’s music starts. Kane cuts a taped promo (from…hell?) says that Cena can’t beat him or the Rock till he gives into the hate and the darkside. (Fear leads to suffering, suffering leads to bad booking, bad booking leads to Cena)

Then Kane appears (damn) then Cena defends her (double damn) and they fight (for like the 12th time). Cena hits with the stairs multiple times then a microphone. He tries to finis Kane off by putting him through the table all while smiling and evil smile (the plot thickens).

Cole then tries to sell the horrible storyline and we go to a commercial. (Thank Good)

Future Endeavors? More like…shut up

It’s then that time that everyone was waiting for, the end.

Super Dave is called down to the ring and eventually comes down. He then clams that he has improved the show overall and gives himself a self evaluation inside of the ring (it’s as dirty as it sounds) but he get’s interrupted by Triple H and his suit.

Trips then cut’s Super Dave down, cause he can’t stand anyone getting over before he does. He makes fun of Dave’s lack luster career and other stuff (I kind of stopped listening and started playing with my cat).

Super Dave says, “He’ll do anything to keep the job.” Trips then makes fun of him and makes him apologies to the fans. The boo him, and Trips doesn’t except it, they keep talking…(continue playing with cat) and they set-up the kiss my ass club spot.

Super Dave then get’s Chap Stick (that’s funny) and get’s ready for the kiss. Trips makes fun of him and doesn’t make him do it. He says that he can run Raw when he wants too.

Before he can fire him…THE F*CKING UNDERTAKER COMES OUT!

Super Dave leaves the ring (off Camera) and Trips and Taker stare each other down and Taker looks at the Wrestlemania sign (for a long time I might add) and does the cut throat sign.

Trips pats him on the shoulder and walks away. Fade to credits (thank god)

So we see once again that in a two hour show, all that the writers did was set-up a main event at the next pay per view and set-up two matchs at Wrestlemania that any one with have a brain saw coming.

If I had to give this episode a rating it would be a 2 out of 5. While the episode was basically just two large promo’s for a event in two months, the Ziggler/Orton and Punk/Bryan match were pretty good. Better than they should have been.

I can’t wait to see what they throw at us during Smackdown…wait yes I can.

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